I remember the day I was
born. It was a Tuesday at half past three in the afternoon. “Your late” my
mother said to me, “I know” I said, “I couldn’t find my shoes, I had to come on
I saw the midwife to the door and so began the story of my life.
”I wanted a girl” said my mother, “Did you” I said, “Hard cheese”.
”Don’t talk like that to your mother” said my mother, and so began years of
fighting and bickering. “You have the same birthday as Hitler” said my mother.
Putting on a tin hat and crouching under the kitchen table.
To keep me out of mischief my mother sent me out the next day to clean chimneys,
I liked it, It was a job with prospects and in no time I had climbed right to
the top of the ladder.
I remember looking out of a chimney pot and thinking “I wonder where babies come
from?” that was quite a while ago but I am still none the wiser.
At the age of four I studied the piano; I studied it for seven years and came to
the conclusion that a piano was a big wooden thing for playing music on. I
lifted the lid one day and played the complete works of Brahms. “Stop that
racket” cried my mother, “your daddy is trying to yodel and eat cornflakes at
the same time”.
There was no room for two entertainers in the same house so I moved in with the
dog. It was a good bargain, one pound a week and all the bones I could eat, we
lived beside a graveyard. When I was nine my mummy took me to town and bought me
some clothes, nothing fancy, hot pants, tank-top, hob-nailed boots and a
By this time I was taking an interest in writing, but the police caught me and
made me clean it off the wall. “You didn’t learn language like that at home”
screamed my mother. And she was right, her and daddy used to speak in Italian to
keep me out of the conversation.
At the age of eleven my mummy bought me a pram, better late than never. By the
time I was fifteen I could count up to six, my mother was so proud, she bought
me a Yo. A Yo it’s like a Yo-Yo but without the string. I used to play wit hit
for hours, then one day the doctor called, “I just remembered” he said, “I
forgot to cut the umbilical cord”. Oh how we laughed.
By the age of eighteen I was showing signs of intelligence so my mother had me
committed for being a smart ass. I got electric shocks from electric eels, it
worked, from that day to this I have never shown any signs of intelligence, the
only sign I show now is the lolly-pop stick when the children want to cross the
So far I have not regretted coming to Earth but I still keep the return ticket
in my hip pocket. I will end with a little song and dance number Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee
Tap-tap-tap Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee Tap-tap-tap. Good night,