Return to Fred
When the tadpoles return to Ballymena,
'Tis then Fred that I'll return to you.
Hissing snake, bake apple cake
Invite viper round for tea
Viper suspicious of golden delicious
Thumb lift to Tennessee.
Giant gorilla, big strong fella'
Say, "People got me wrong.
No head for heights, give me the frights
And my name is, Dave not Kong!"
Naughty ants, climb into pants
Of prim wee Nellie Harris.
When drawers come down, vicars frown
They can see wee Nellie's Arris.
Wonder bra, was gave to Da
In mistake for over-alls.
Da turned the joke into a yoke
To hold his bowling balls.
"I'll sing a hymn," said holy Jim
"To my Lord who reigns on high."
Jim began to roar, like a lovesick boar
The Lord said, "Stop it! Stop it-NIGH!"
Frogs watch porn to early dawn
On landfill site computer.
With scalpels keen, soldiers of the Queen
Go on operation-neuter.
Michelle Miller at the tiller
Of the good ship Nellie Dean
Before setting out, her mum did shout,
"Make sure your balaclava's clean!"
Wee Fred was dead, laid in his bed
While two candles sadly gutter.
His wife Irene sat and ate ice cream
The unfeeling, cold hearted nutter.
Body lice are very nice
So please don't sit and moan.
With body lice-and I won't say this twice
You never are-alone.
A pound of mince, gave a little wince
In the village of Kill-kesh-ill.
Its Mum told it straight, without debate
That it was far from "special".
Cute wee snail turned very pale
It nearly lost its mind
When warden Pickett gave it a ticket
For parking on double yellow line.
"Now let me introdue to you, a very, very special two
So clap your hands above your head
For Gerry and Sean
All the way from-bed!
Sit back, relax, don't run away when Jordie comes on.
That's just the way he is! And REMEMBER, all dogs are not lost."