When Maggie saw wee Shughie
Bending down to tie his shoe
Maggie growled low like a grizzly
Saying, "That wee nuck will do."
So Maggie started hunting
Poor wee Shughie round the glens.
She liked the glint of his yellow false teeth
And his pocket full of pens.
Big Maggie tried to clean herself
But found it hard to do.
So while her sheep were having a dip
Big Maggie jumped in too.
The number of fleas that died that day
Were legion so they say.
They lay in the water, with legs aloft
Before being flushed away.
Maggie leaped out like a punctured blimp
A wee man began to blink,
For he had seen a terrible sight
Big Maggie in the pink.
Maggie stepped in then, to red flannel drawers
That were rigid, stiff and hard.
They didn't have a retail price.
Maggie bought them by the yard.
Maggie reached then for a massive bra
And addressed each enormous cup.
"Now do what youse was made to do
And hold them buggers up!"
Maggie held on high a pair of tights
Like two wind-socks in the air
And cursed and swore just like a sailor
Till they were round her derriere.
Maggie slipped into a floral frock
In a striking shade of puce.
Then Maggie waddled like a duck
And gave the mating cry of a goose.
Now poor, wee, five stone Shughie
Was completly unaware.
He never saw big Maggie peeping
As she lay there in her lair.
Wee Shughie was softly humming
The well known, Holy Ground,
When Maggie leaped upon his back
And brought him to the ground.
"Ah Holy God!" gasped Shughie
As he lay there all supine
"Ryan air must have ditched
A big block of frozen, hard urine."
Shughie's arms were paralysed
So himself he could not bliss
Even though he'd nearly been killed
By a block of frozen piss.
"Hauld still, yeh boy," growled Maggie
Into Shughie's dirty ear
When Shughie heard that awful voice
He trembled in great fear.
"I'm proposing to you," growled Maggie
"And you will say, I do.
For if you don't," said Maggie
"Boy, I'll be dug out of you."
Poor wee Shughie had to give in
After Maggie's fierce attack
And Maggie picked wee Shughie up
And put him on her back.
And so the two were married
Without hinderance or delay.
Maggie carried Shughie across the threshold
And threw him on the hay.
Big Maggie will kill wee Shughie boys
For this I do apine
When wee Shughie pulled the curtains boys
He went up with the venetian blind!
What a way to go and him so wee.