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FAIR MAIDEN
                
There she stood with a jar, at the end of the bar
Bonny wee Deirdre McFluter
She was sipping her stout, with her gub sticking out
And two candles hung out of her hooter.
        
Says I, "Hughie Vance, this is your chance
For there stands a right little honey."
So over I goes, a picking my nose
With a smile that was friendly and sunny.
               
Says I, "Lovely Miss, will you give me a kiss?
For you are a lovely wee pet."
She smiled with a tooth, she got fixed in Maynooth
The rest all got pulled by a vet.
            
She was lovely and fair, with dry ginger hair
Which she rolled into curls with her finger.
She smelled of damp rags, BO and fags
A perfume inclined now, to linger.
          
I put my hand on her arm, she leaped with alarm
And growled like a dog, "Let me go!"
Her red jowls were aflame, what a beautiful dame
And her bust it was sagging quite low.
    
Then she said with a shout, "If you buy me a stout
You'll get one kiss on the end of my nose..!
So on her honk, one kiss I did plonk
And her nose blushed as red as a rose.
           
I felt Cupid's dart hit me straight in the heart
So I covered her gub with fierce kisses
And then, so I gather, there was some how's your father
And I had to make her my missus.
             
Now, heaven's alive, wains we have five
So I'm trapped now, it's too late to flee
And the dirty big lump, has since grown a hump.
If the wife ever finds out she'll kill me!

21/08/09

 

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